I should be working on the essay that is due in 24 hours.
I could be giving a friend's essay another going over.
I should get some sleep.
At the moment though, I simply feel the need to write. The need to write in a space that does not require proper format or citation or x-amount of words or any thing else that an academic paper would require me to pay so much attention to.
It's December 1st. In 11 days I will be celebrating 30 years of life. I don't feel 30 (whatever that is suppose to feel like). Yet, as hard as it is to believe, here I am. 10 years ago, if asked what my life will look like at 30, I would not have described the reality I am in today. In fact, my life does not remotely resemble what I imagined it to be by this time. At 20, I was assuming that by this point I'd be married, probably have child or two (or three) and be serving my family as a stay-at-home mom. At 25, I would have predicted that Thailand would be my home for at least another 5 years. However, the predictable patterns I planned on have not happened.
As I near the end of another decade of life, I've been doing a lot of reflecting and a lot of thinking about what's ahead. The past 10 years have been an interesting journey. They've been full of disappointments, pain and difficulty. However, they have also been full of blessings, joy and opportunity. I see how the joys and sorrows of life have been twisted together over the past years to create a life of richness that I could have never dreamed up for myself. I see how God has taken every moment, even the ones that felt nonredeemable and used them to bring me to where I am today.
A few days after I celebrate my birthday I will be commemorating the 4 year mark since I left Thailand. I can't help but reflect on that experience every December and with each year I see more of God's purposes in bringing me back to Canada. The winter of 2009/2010 was a dark time for me. I remember feeling lost. After being obedient to God's voice and moving back to Canada, I felt like He left me sit with absolutely no direction for what was next. To make matters worse, when I felt like He was finally showing me the way again, I wasn't too excited that it meant going back to school. However, today I look back and wonder why I ever doubted. I can't help but be filled with gratitude as I consider the many people I have met, the treasured friendships that have developed, having my world expanded through learning and the many opportunities to experience life that have been possible because I am here. These years have shown me the value of embracing life wherever God has me. 4 years ago I couldn't imagine life without Thailand. Today, I can't imagine not having these past few years as part of my life.
Over the past 10 years of life, I have been learning what it looks like to live with purpose in all situations. I haven't always done well at this and I'm sure I'll screw it up frequently but one thing is for sure, I want to live with as few regrets as possible. I no longer bother to predict my future because I've learned that it's completely unpredictable. Although I will always be a dreamer, my desire is to focus on the moments I'm given and make each one count for eternity.
I know the next 10 years will not be full of ease. In fact, if I'm completely honest, I have to admit that I am already prepared to walk through times of loneliness and sadness as I continue to surrender a dream of marriage into the hands of God. But, I also look ahead with excitement. Friends make comments about being so old now that we have reached the 30 milestone. Others make comments that insinuate the excitement of life is over now that we have reached this age. I refuse to believe it. I see a future of possibilities. I see life waiting to be LIVED.
