“Refusing to ask for help when you need it is refusing someone the chance to be helpful.” – Ric Ocasek
I cried today - again. I cried because I called my sister, asked her to disrupt her day, drive to Tim Hortons and get me a French Vanilla Cappuccino. As I hung up the phone, the tears began to flow. When she showed up at my door and handed me my drink, I had another flood of tears. What's the big deal? She was happy to do it, so what's the big deal? Why all the surge of emotion? Because I'm tired. I'm so tired of asking. I'm so tired of being dependent on others any time I want to be able to go further than buying bread @ the local Mennonite bakery.
Just over a year ago, my journey with seizures began. I never imagined that now, a year later I would still be dealing with around 4 seizures a month. Never imagined that I would still not be allowed behind the wheel of my car due to safety precautions. This whole year has been about surrender. Learning to give up my freedom and independence. For someone who has lived in numerous countries, travelled extensively and enjoys finding new ventures to tackle, being so dependent on others is not easy. I think I am learning to be more okay with the situation, and I can say my desire is to be living in full surrender to whatever God has for me, but then today happens and I am hit all over again with the limitations of my current life. And I get angry. Questioning why God is allowing this. Trying to believe that somehow, there is good, yet weary of trying to stay positive and focused on God's goodness when nothing seems to be changing for the better.
I don't know if I will ever understand God's purposes in this, other than to teach me to swallow my pride and ask for help. I would much rather be the one lending the help than being the one in need of help. But lately I've been thinking about the reality that if no one is ever in need of help, then we'd never have opportunity to fulfill God's commandment in Galatians 6:2 to "Bear one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ". (ESV) If I'm not willing to humble myself and allow others to come alongside me during this time, I rob them of the opportunity to experience the blessing of caring for another and fulfilling the law of Christ. I assume it's safe to say that none of us enjoys being the one in need. Yet, if no one is ever in need, then we don't learn what it means to bear one another's burdens. We don't experience the beauty of God's family as we walk alongside each other, embracing the pains of others as our own, so we can help them continue on during the hard seasons.
Does all this make it any easier for me to request help? Nope. My pride still gets in the way and some days it's easier to just stay home instead of figuring out how I'll get somewhere. I continue to deal with frustration and anger. Yet, for whatever purpose, right now is my season to be in constant need. Despite it all, if I'm able to look beyond the pain and frustration and change my attitude, I am able to see bits of good. Relying on others for transportation has provided me opportunity to connect with people that otherwise I most likely wouldn't connect with a whole lot.
I try to continue to remain hopeful that this is only a season. That some day, instead of watching dad hop behind the steering wheel of my car, it'll be me climbing into the driver's seat. But until then, this is my time to ensure that I don't make the mistake of not asking for help. (Sandeep Jauhar) A lot easier said than done!
